_Bits with anxiety disorder

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Apr 26, 2014 | #Personal/Pessoal ##ror #confessions #flaws #life #mistakes #osc14 #public-speaking

My flaws in public speaking (a.k.a public suffering)

I just gave a workshop about Ruby on Rails, in the openSUSE conference 2014, but I almost didn't do it. I was very very close to cancel it. I cried many times like a angry kid during last week and today morning too. I arrived in the conference venue completely broken and certain that  I was going to give up. It feels humiliating when you cry, especially when other people see it. They can see how weak you are. It sucks.

What did I do to not give up? I took a lot of medicine (I have prescribed "calming" medicine). Then, these were my flaws:

  • I gave the workshop feeling totally numb.
  • I think my (always) big mistake it is to let thing to do in the last minute: procrastination sucks and in my case it is most of the time the feeling that I can't do it, I am not able to do that etc
  • I talk too quickly: I want to end the suffering very quick. I want that feeling to go away as soon it is possible. Even in all the presentations I prepared in time and trained, I always would enp up finishing way before time. I just want to end it quickly and hide under the table.
  • I know it is human to be anxious about that and the feeling after it is always somehow nice, because it felt very hard to do and in the end you did it. It was crappy, but that was what I could do! I am not good at that. Period. I can try to think like that but it is always a painful experience. I try to say "I don't give a shit." but it doesn't work. I even get sick after situations like that. My hole body is painful.
  • When I gave talks before it was a bit of "I want to try it". Probably to prove to myself that I could do it. Maybe I already proved it, do I still need to do that? I just should stop. I had enough. Why to keep forcing me into it? I think I can find another challenges for my life. I know I can do it, but not well enough to make it a nice experience.
  • Who starts a talk saying "I hate people."? I did.
  • It was the first time I gave a talk in english. I also I think it was the most technical one too. All that didn't help me to feel better.
  • It was supposed to be a workshop and I just kept talking instead of checking how people were doing with the tutorial. I didn't really helped anyone.

I know I am not alone on these feelings, that's why I wrote this post and also it helps me to take away a bit of the "weight".

Thanks to everyone that showed up in the workshop, I am sorry it was too short and too quick.

In any case, I think I can write better than I can speak, so here is the workshop/tutorial: http://camilasan.com/rubyonrails/tutorial.html